Just cropdusted the office
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
So much Jack, so little girl.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
