The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
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