I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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