I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
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I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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