new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
