A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
