a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
This baby is an asshole
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
