WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
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Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
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Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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