just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
