Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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