textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
