I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
