alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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