Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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