good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
