No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
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If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Shame - the story of my life.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize