You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You're like the curious george of whores
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
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