why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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