i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
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Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
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On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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