I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
