If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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