Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
