"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
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