I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
