The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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