Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
