to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
