I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
