he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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