Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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