Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
