Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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