Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
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She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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