I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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