Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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