i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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