Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
