I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
