I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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