i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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