I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
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You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
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You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just wanna be euthanized