you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.