Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
well you can't waste a boner
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
no you cant smoke seaweed
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.