That's when you crack a 10am beer
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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