I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
