the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
