Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
