I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
