Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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