Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
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She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
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the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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