Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
