I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
i need some magic done to my vagina
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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