Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
