She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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