he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
