im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
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The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
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I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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