whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
