I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
