My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
