I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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