Ambien. No doubt about it.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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