Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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